Mothers And Daughters - Friend Or Foe?

Our mothers love and protect us throughout our childhood. Why, then, is there an intense need to separate from your mother once you reach adolescence? As a child you depend on your parents, and particularly you mother, for everything. As you start to mature you have a need to break away and become independent. This need can become intense. While this need is intensifying, the need to be nurtured by your mother is lessening. Combined, this forms the basis for a rocky relationship for mothers and daughters through the teen years.

While the daughter seems to be pushing the mother away, the mother recognizes that the daughter still needs her help and support so she naturally tries to get closer. This push and pull makes the relationship a tumultuous one. The mother thinks, "if only my daughter would listen to me! I've been through all this and I can give her my wisdom". The daughter thinks, "My mom didn't go through these things and she is too old to help me or give me her advice". So it continues.

This can be a heartbreaking time for mothers and daughters. When you emerge from this period, however, most mother and daughter relationships change in form to more of a friendship. Both the mother and the daughter learn to make changes in the way they think about the other.

The mother learns to let go of her daughter and allows her to make her own decisions and her own mistakes. The daughter starts to feel less pressure from the mother and begins to seek the mother's advice. Together they form a new relationship. The daughter has grown up and is a young woman now. She no longer needs her mother in the same ways she did as a child. Now she needs her mother to be her friend and mentor. The relationship continues to grow, now more as a friendship than a parent-child relationship.

What can mothers and daughters do to help each other go through the difficult period? The most successful relationships started out strong. The mother needs to have respect and trust for the daughter. The mother needs to start to pull back on her own, allowing her daughter to gain more freedom. The life lessons she has instilled in her daughter up till now need to start to take hold. The daughter needs to understand that her mother loves her and only wants her to be safe and happy. She needs to allow the mother time to adjust to the fact that the daughter is growing up.

This is a trying time for all mothers and daughters, however, with some patience and understanding, the relationship can change and blossom into a friendship.